Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!