Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.