Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

then why did i get this email

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

[adds another nod to the conversation]

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

it was love at first sight

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.