My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
definitely did not do anything wrong
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?