Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

The funk soul brother

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

S/o to @funTweeters .

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it