I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos