The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing