1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.