do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before