My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
waiting for halloween be like:
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
How it started How it’s going
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them