Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Coffee is ready.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Nice try, NASA
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some