Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Check your privilege

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby