If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?