Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.