Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.