babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
huge valentines day plans this year!!
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.