Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
thanks auntie mary
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off