My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
You Might Also Like
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When I grow up, I want to be 16
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true