Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues