A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?