Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information