This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!