This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
idk flipping houses looks really hard
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it