Super Hand Dog Face
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
This bar smells like my childhood.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body