My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”