Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

thats my bad

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Still a very good boi….

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Thank you 🥹

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans