Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You Might Also Like
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”