Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My dog ate my work from home.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*scroll*
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*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat