Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus