Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

This is a true ally.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.