Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

In case you needed to hear it:

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow