Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds