If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I’m Sold!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.