Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Does this dress make me look cat?

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”