Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

relationship goals

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

KFC hitting the cannibal market

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.