Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

i want enemies

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

New favorite tiktok

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf