How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
