How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
You have been warned.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!