Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)