Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Help Wanted

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

There’s no “us” in nachos.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.