PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
You Might Also Like
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭