Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

☠️ ☠️

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

look at me when i’m typing to you

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

😉😝

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.