Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.