Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”