A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
What personal space?
My dog
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.