Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

They’re the worst 😩

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!