Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

What?!?

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.