I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.