I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!