Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*