Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.